Recovering from orthorexia has been a long road for me, and it has been anything but linear. There have been many times where I trick myself into thinking I’m recovered, I think I’m finally doing the healthy thing and then I realize that my journey isn’t over yet. But these moments ground me and help me to continue to grow through it.

At the beginning of the 2021 I threw myself into an intense 6 day a week weight lifting program & tracked every single thing that touched my mouth in Myfitnesspal (I’m talking even the ketchup I dipped my fries in). I thought that because I was weight lifting instead of doing incessant cardio it was healthy ( I wanted to be “#strongnotskinny but the thing is deep down it was still about my appearance, regardless of how I wanted to look it was still about how I looked. Now I see how unhealthy it was but I also think for me it was a necessary part of my recovery.

You may be thinking- Kelsey how can something obsessive and bad for your mental health be a necessary part of your recovery? Because it shifted my attention from restricting foods to fueling my body. It showed me that I was not eating nearly enough to fuel my body in everyday life, let alone fuel the intense workouts I was doing. It also showed me that I could eat the fear foods that controlled so much of my daily thoughts, it was the first time in years I had bagels, burgers, and ice cream! It in a way gave me permission to eat again, permission that I’d taken from myself years before. As you can imagine things eventually went from healthy to unhealthy quickly as they do with someone who has suffered from orthorexia or other disordered eating. I was no longer worried about restricting “bad” foods but I started restricting things based on what Myfitnesspal told me. I stopped eating eggs (egg whites only) and started eating processed foods, low fat foods, etc. On top of the macro tracking was the intense workout program I mentioned, this program made me feel invincible, it made me feel so strong and proud of what my body can do. But yet again I took it took far, this program was 12 weeks, 6 days a week doing an hour workout with 1 rest day. And I am embarrassed to admit this but I did not miss a single workout during that program, even when the city shut down for a week with snow I continued to workout at home (and then did an extra week at the end for the week I missed at the gym). That is when I had to stop and get real with myself that things needed to change. I was freaking exhausted, I didn’t want to step foot in a gym and my motivation was gone.

Fast forward to now I am eating intuitively & moving my body is ways that feel good! Myfitnesspal is gone for good and I’m happy to never see it again. I focus on eating foods that make me feel my best inside & out because contrary to what macros taught me not all calories are created equal! I try to get majority of my diet from real, whole foods and then sprinkle in the foods that make my soul & heart happy. I no longer stress about what I’m going to eat 24/7 or having the perfect diet. I can eat meals without a vegetable & not feel guilty. I can eat a warm chocolate chip cookie and not feel guilty. I no longer follow a strict workout regime and I have finally fallen back in love with fitness again! Somedays I go on a walk with Henry, some I weight lift and others I do nothing (because rest is productive). Trying to be perfect with nutrition and fitness took the joy out of it, and I’ve taken that joy back. I’ve learned to listen to my body, really listen.

I want to note that I believe macro counting can be a useful tool but I do NOT recommend it especially if you have a history of disordered eating or an unhealthy relationship with food nor do I think it is necessary to find recovery. Like I said this was my journey. But having been through it I’ve learned a lot that I know can help others struggling to create a healthy relationship with food and fitness . Know that no matter what your journey looks like you can get to a point of freedom and a point where you finally feel at peace.